never forsaken

"in dark and sleepless nights to you I'm holding tight I will rest in the depths of your mercy. you drench my weary soul  ...

"in dark and sleepless nights
to you I'm holding tight
I will rest in the depths of your mercy.
you drench my weary soul 
your spirit overflows 
here I soak in your love"

It's times like these, when you feel like you're in a pit of helplessness and despair, where a simple verse from a song can just change how you view your current circumstance. 

I have been battling with a severe chest and throat infection for the past couple of days, which has prevented me from getting any sleep as at one point, it felt uncomfortable to even take a breath. Last Wednesday, I could literally feel a type of sickness enter my body. It struck a cord in my body that immediately sent impulses throughout my system and prevented me from functioning how I would want to. The migraine came quicker than I could finish drinking a cup of water, and it was pretty much downhill from there. I laid in bed for the rest of the day, and though my headaches subsided, I could feel the lining in my throat start to dry up and generate a pain that felt like there were ulcers down my throat. 

I awoke to Thursday morning with an unpleasant surprise. I spat out this... thing, that I could not explain what it was. If I were to describe what it looked like, it resembled a chunk of flesh. Not pretty I know. Physically, I felt fine. It was just my throat that was being resistant to recovery. I could not make it to uni that day, and felt somewhat terrible because I had never missed a tutorial before. The rest of Thursday, Friday and Saturday consisted of me relying on my own strength - running my errands, photography for work, seeing friends... 

Until I realised my strength was limited, and there was only so much I could do before my energy supply was drained. Saturday night/early Sunday morning was a struggle. My eyes were shut but my mind was awaken by the stinging in my throat. Taking a deep breath hurt, so drinking water was like swallowing a handful of nails. I finally went to the medical centre on Sunday, and was given 4 days of MC where I was prohibited from any physical activity and from going to work or uni. It was somewhat liberating as I didn't have to worry about anything (especially my 9-5 uni day on Tuesday) except focus on recovering. 

From this whole series of unfortunate events that unfolded, it opened my eyes to see that there are people out there who really do care and are concerned for me. My lovely touch footy member gave me a whole plastic bag of sickness-alleviating products like a whole jar of Manuka honey, Redoxon, bamboo salt, Strepsils and Difflam lozenges. Yea, she's a lifesaver. And although my family can't be here with me or my beautiful church family may not be able to tend me 24/7, their prayers work greater wonders than any medication. 

You really can't rely on your own strength. And you do need to listen to your body when it tells you it needs to rest. I'm the kind of person that loves to be productive and make full use of my time, so staying home and resting just made me feel... BLEH - super sophisticated word choice I know but it does encapsulate how I feel. I've got three major assessments due next Friday, all with hefty word counts (6000 words like why what even) and worth huge amounts, and it's SO hard to push the anxieties aside and focus on resting. I'm on the road to recovery, so let's just hope once I'm a-okay, completing my assessments wouldn't be too hard! 

I have been listening to Hillsong's new album Open Heaven / River Wild and oh my goodness it is the most refreshing and empowering remedy no matter what state you are in. I can safely say I am obsessed. As I have not fully recovered yet, I'm still unable to get a good sleep and am constantly being awaken by the irritation in my throat. "Never Forsaken" in the album is such a beautiful and gentle reminder that you're not suffering alone. Cast your anxieties unto God and speak healing, because I know it will enable you to rest in the depth of His mercy and drench your weary soul. 

Last night was the first time in the past couple of days where I managed to sleep for more than 5 hours straight without getting interrupted by the need to cough or clear whatever is stuck in my throat. And for that, I am so so grateful.

So hey, don't depend on your own strength. Its unreliable and limited. Seek guidance, ask in faith for direction, let go, and let God. Sometimes we just have to stop trying and start trusting. 

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